Goosed

Here’s some advice to those experiencing a problem with migratory birds –such as Canadian Geese –leaving logs on their lawn: buy a dog.

True, the dog is also likely to leave a deuce or three behind in its wake, but there’s a good chance it will take care of your bird problem. Not a dog lover? Allergic to pet fur on your plush carpet? Well here’s another bit of advice: don’t live by the goddamn Kayaderosseras Creek or any other rural waterway where birds congregate.

All this commonsense just seem to elude the Reids of Milton, who recently approached the Town Board for help to alleviate their problem with goose dung in their backyard off Route 29. The board wasn’t the first place they visited either, as someone apparently advised them to grab a rifle and buy a $100 hunting permit to simply fill the meddlesome waterfowl with lead two at a time.

Yep. Kill one and leave the carcass behind with a note written in blood. They’ll learn. Oh, they’ll learn alright. And if they don’t learn, buy a grenade. Yeah, a grenade. Touch off one of those bad boys and those web-footed footed fecal machines will figure it out pretty darn quickly.

Then an ounce of commonsense percolated into the mix. The Reids decided it would probably be a bad idea to discharge a firearm several dozen times within close proximity to their neighbor’s house; something about safety regulations. Disregard the fact that the state Department of Environmental Conservation generally prohibits the act of killing migratory birds and that the geese could simply be frightened off by an overzealous Labrador, or maybe a hyperactive crackhead with a satchel full of firecrackers.

Even more ludicrous is that both the Saratogian and the Daily Gazette ran articles about this family’s ire. The Gazette even posted the story on the front of the local section, promenently featured with art and a head shot. But after the Collins Park crisis in Scotia, Canadian geese have somehow become a hot-button issue for the media. Enter the age where anything geese becomes an issue anywhere in the region, simply because they raised such a stink –pun intended –in one village's public park.

In this case, there’s really no sense in this story for several reasons. First, it’s not a problem for anyone other than the Reids and perhaps their neighbors. Second, there’s nothing the local government can do on private property that wouldn’t violate several dozen state Comptroller’s laws.

And lastly, goose shit happens; especially along the waterways of Saratoga County. They eat, they fly, they shit, so deal with it or move away from the water. Don't expect fellow taxpayers to fund a solution to a problem you could easily solve yourself.