Pigging out

Just when the blog was on a roll, its lead writer has his brain pan split by some otherworldly ailment of sorts. Yes folks, swine flu has struck i-Saratoga, rending its lead-up-to-the-election coverage lacking in every since of the term.

The site’s lead doctors made the diagnosis Saturday, while in an exam room somewhere deep in the bowels of Caroline Street. At least, they proffered it to be an exam room. Some more discriminating observers might call it a bar. Nevertheless, after a quick bath of hand-sanitizer, a handful of pill party mix and a modest gallon of ‘hot-toddy,’ things appear to be clearing up –or at least somewhat.

The more conspiracy minded among you might blame this whole affair on some callous political hack who swabbed the vile expectorate of some wretchedly sick bastard and then dubiously dabbed all the door knobs on all the bars in a 50-mile radius of Saratoga Springs. While not discounting this entirely, the editorial board does think this scenario is rather implausible.

More likely, the aforementioned scribe utilized the extra hour of drinking time early Sunday to enable a saturation suppression of the immune system. Regardless of the reasons, the words are flowing into cyberspace again, so feel free to come on back in for a scroll.

In its effort to comply with state Department of Health regulations, i-Saratoga recommends you read this blog wearing a surgical mask and with an IV drip of the aforementioned concoction. Health officials have assured the ‘hot toddy’ is a better solution to staving off the dreaded H1N1 virus –or ‘hiney’ as it’s called in more astute medical circles –than receiving any sort of vaccine.

On a related note, immunizing the populations from swine flu certainly is a lofty goal for the pharmacological industrial complex, and one they’ve seemingly pulled off, despite all the bluster in the media about shortages and what not. With the ‘is there going to be enough’ and the ‘don’t you make us take that shit’ hysteria in the news, nobody has really thought to ask what the price tag will be on this massive immunization effort or its effectiveness.

Basically, drug companies that received the multi-billion dollar federal contracts to purse this vaccine out could very well be bottling ‘hot toddy’ and selling it for an estimated $35 a pop. Considering you can purchase a cheap bottle of brandy for roughly $5, that’s not a bad haul for Big Pharm. But this sort of thinking is psychotic madness. Who would ever mistrust Big Pharm? Really, they’re a great group of companies that would never think of hoodwinking the public, right?

Let’s also not worry too much about the cost to states. On a little reported aside, county health departments across the Capital Region are getting beaucoup bucks to coordinate anti-swine flu campaigns in their communities. This ranges from organizing flu-shot clinics to raising awareness of how to stave off H1N1. This includes teaching people the difficult concepts of how to wash their hands and cover their mouths when they cough; or to not go into work with a 103-degree fever.

Thankfully, New York has a booming economy and a multi-billion dollar surplus to pay for all this...wait a sec…you say there’s no surplus? What’s this about a deficit? Uh oh.