Monday, July 21, 2008

Penis envy

Lloyd Blankfein glanced up from the resume he was scrutinizing to meet the eager eyes of a young man seated in his posh London office. He sported a sharp suit and a silk tie arranged in a perfect double Windsor knot that seemed to scream out ‘hire me.’ But is he Goldman Sachs material, the company’s chief executive officer asked himself silently as he continued studying the resume.

“So you graduated Yale with summa cum laude honors,” he interjected. “And you were top in your class at Harvard Business School.”

“Yes sir,” the young man replied.

“It says here you also captained the crew team and were president of the business fraternity,” he continued. “And when you graduated, you started your own mortgage brokerage firm that grossed more than $100,000 in profits in the first five years of business.”

“All true, sir.”

“You then took a year off to volunteer with the Peace Corp. immunizing underprivileged children in Sierra Leone and teaching the locals the finer points of crop rotation.”

“The pleasure was all mine, sir.”

He has all the traits of great executive, Blankfein pondered; but there is something about the young man that doesn’t rest well, despite the ironclad resume, amicable demeanor and impeccable skill at tying Windsor knots. There is something about his name. Somewhere he had seen it once before.

“Now tell me this Calvin,” he said in a somewhat gruff voice. “Is there anything you haven’t told me about yourself?”

Perspiration began to bead on Calvin’s forehead. Rouge began to color his cheeks.

“No sir,” he said pensively. “No, you’ve seen it all.”

Blankfein’s mind raced through the thousands of executive candidates and resumes he had leafed through over the years. Morett, Morett, Morett; where had this name surfaced before? Where had it made a lasting impression on him? Then it struck him like a bolt of lightning.

“You’re Calvin Morett, the penis guy…”

Yes, former class clown Calvin Morett continues to be immortalized as the fellow who crashed the Saratoga Spring High School graduation last month dressed in a penis costume. From now until the foreseeable future, Morett will be known as the high school alumni who returned to his Alma Ata in the puffy flesh-colored suit, squirting white silly string into the crowd gathered for the ceremonies at the Saratoga Performing Arts Center.

Morett was the punch line in a cornucopia of hackneyed headlines smeared across the Capital Region, as reporters and editors alike took bizarre fascination with his stunt. Then last week, his lore extended even farther as he pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct and was sentenced to write an apology to all the Spa City grads who watched gag with a mixture of laughter and frustration; after all, it wasn’t exactly his graduation he was interrupting.

Clearly, Morett realized his prank was going to draw attention. He might have even realized his cameo at the event might prompt some area media sources to write accounts of his moment in the spot light. But it’s doubtful he ever realized his stunt would circle the globe, making him the planet’s de facto “penis guy” or “guy in a penis costume.”

Just in case anyone was wondering, Morett’s stunt has been picked up just about every newspaper in New York and most major publications in the United States. His sentencing alone was picked up by more than 100 news services. But his plea also caught the attention of the international press. Morett’s name appeared in journals published in Canada, Britain, Germany and even Australia. The headlines range from the catchy with Australia’s “Man apologizes for making dick of himself” to the sublime with Germany’s “Giant Goo Shooting Penis Terrorizes Graduates.”

From the Times Union’s “strange news” listing online to the more international Website, stunts involving a six-foot phallus, the police and silly string are bound to garner some attention. Often times, these events draw more publicity than the ones that should probably be drawing worldwide interest.

It’s doubtful this is what Morett had in mind when he staged the stunt, but it’s a reality in today’s media. One stupid stunt can quickly immortalize someone in the worldwide press. It’s a lesson some of the younger folks using, and should learn before devoting large tracts of the World Wide Web for photo documentaries of their weekend beer bash. And it’s one they should certainly grasp before pulling a gag at a mundane event where the mass media is looking for even the slightest distraction.

Then again, maybe Morett can capitalize on this pseudo penis envy to make himself some loot. After all, more than 179,000 people have viewed an online video of his graduation appearance, which sometimes translates into dollar signs in the advertising world. Perhaps in a few months, we’ll have Calvin Morett, private dick for hire. Hey, it seemed to work alright for another well known Dick.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Calvin is truly a dickhead in every sense of the word.

9:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He'll go down in history much the same way as did that Wall Street guy who took the dump on the food cart of an airplane. Remember him?

2:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's only one person I can think of that is a bigger dick head and that is John Tighe!

5:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HO: At last you've found the perfect subject for this blog. What took you so long?

6:35 PM  
Blogger Horatio Alger said...


What's that? Pointing out dickheads? comes one now. It's a pseudo-progressive Nazi claiming to be a Saratoga Dem...or is that SaratogaDem...

Allow me to start pointing, and please don't be offended if my finger is pointed directly at you.

7:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Republican! And proud of it! But, it stands that guy is still the biggest dickhead in town!

3:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...3:39 AM

"Republican! And proud of it!"

What the fuck are you proud of?
The war?
The economy?
The justice system?
Taxes breaks for the rich?
Health care only for the rich?
College for the rich only?
Food pantries that are overwhelmed?
Declining income for the average Joe?
Food and fuel cost going through the roof?
Antarctica thawing?

Hey, what do I know?

I'm sure there are a few child molesters out there that are proud of who they are too.

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey 8:54 sounds like we desperately need a Republican congress. Do you mean the war we are winning? The low unemployment? Tax breaks for people who pay the majority of taxes? I work with people who make $20 - 30k and they have health insurance. Who didn't graduate from college with a pile of college loans. People with jobs don't go to food pantries, go get one. People's salaries are actually being cut? Or are they just taking home less because of the take from the rich (read working people) policies of the dems? Antartica thawing? A few years back weren't your experts predicting that we were about to go through another ice age? Child molesters like Barney Frank and Gerry Studds? What about murderers like Teddy. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wonder what calvin's halloween costume would be?

reminds me of when i was dating my ex and we went to our office pumpkin party as a plug and socket. We were making sparks at the time...

1:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW! 10:52 Way to go! I'm sure shot in the dark still goes to the food bank! Why! Because he can! Typical democrat. Looking for handouts!
Scott Johnson was far from being rich and went to college! Seems it turned out OK for him.
Dickhead Dems like Hank Kuczynski and John Tighe are fine model democrats!
You better believe it is better to be republican.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's amazing how many stupid pigs there are that live in this country.
These same stupid pigs elected a stupid pig to be President.

The silver lining in this mess that these stupid pigs are responsible for the death of the Republican Party in its present form.

Good fucking riddance.

7:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

7:19 Change your name to shotinthehead you are apprently recovering, and not very well, from a serious brain injury

8:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Come this Fall the State Government and the Federal Government will be solidly Democratic because people all over this country are sick and tired of the stupid pigs that have been running things.

Now go ahead and make one of your meaningless trival remarks that you stupid pigs are known for.

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stupid pigs? Republicans?
My! How soon we forget!
Eliot Spitzer! 'Nuff said!

5:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Stupid = being not qualified
Pig = wasteful, greedy

Sure we have our share of Democrats who have turned out to be losers.
(Spitzer and Keehn)

But the Republicans have been running the country for the last 8 years and they have made things ugly.
Our national debt has gone from 5 trillion to almost 10 trillion.
Who gives out tax breaks during a war?
Where's the sacrifice?
The average Joe has lost $1200 of income in the last 8 years while costs are going through the roof.

You may not notice it as much as most people because you are lucky to have a government job.

You can't blame Elliot Spitzer for what has been happening in this country for the last 8 years.

Elliot might be addicted to pussy (aren't we all) but he's not responsible for starting a bullshit war and wrecking the economy.

Try watching something besides Fox News.

9:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the would be a walk off homerun for shot it says hear, ladies and gents... now for the Forno Tuscano Bistro post-game show

1:28 PM  

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