Tasteless

What’s more tasteless than Andrew Dice Clay judging a female mud wrestling contest at a fundraiser for the National Organization for Women? Well, apparently the tastes buds among Capital Region diners.

Were there ever evidence of the waning food palette among Capital Region diners, it would be found among the pool of 7,300 people who participated in the Times Union’s “Best of 2008” survey. True, this poll is anything but scientific. And some of the assumptions made in other parts of the survey are flat-out ludicrous. But the Best of 2008 winners do suggest area residents are getting less discriminating about their favorite places to chow down. Actually, they’re getting a lot less discriminating.

For proof, look no further than your local Olive Garden. This heinous chain restaurant and its pasta calamities were ranked as the best “Italian Restaurant” in the Capital Region. Best at what? Serving over-cooked pasta in bland, flavorless sauces that haven’t seen the hand of a real culinary artisan, much less one that was trained in the cuisine offered along the Mediterranean boot? True, bad Italian restaurants are a dime a dozen in upstate New York. However, it’s tough to consider the Olive Garden the best at anything, much last Italian cooking, when they offer to pair your dish with the finest Sutter Home Zinfandel.

The Times Union editors obviously recognized the domination of chain stores in their survey and even coined a separate category for “coffee joint,” excluding the chain stores. Otherwise, Dunkin Donuts, Starbucks and Stewart’s Shops would have taken the cake respectively; less discriminating indeed. Some coffee aficionados liken the bile-churning sludge at Stewart’s to the muddy atomic runoff from the reactor at Kesselring.

Finding a good sandwich in the Capital Region is a bit trickier. Like Italian restaurants, there are plenty of bad delis in the area, a fact that is highlighted by the never-ending proliferation of Subway shops opening up on every corner and in every gas station. But to consider this fast-food garbage even in the same category as a deli like Roma’s in the Spa City is sacrilegious. In fact, one could probably get a better sandwich out of rest-area dumpster than at Jared’s place. Yet for some reason, people seem to think they’ll get the luscious baked bread, the towering stack of meat and the chopped fresh veggies that see advertised on television every five minutes.

And the list goes on. Best burger was given to Red Robin. The top-two best restaurants to open this year were both new chains shoveling slop amid the sprawl of Wolf Road in Colonie. Best steakhouse to Delmonico’s Italian Steakhouse, a smaller chain, which narrowly beat out the Outhouse…err…Outback Steakhouse. Chain eateries even made an appearance in the best pizza running, where some poor, misguided souls actually voted for Pizza Hut as the Capital Region’s best pie.

Thinking conspiracy theory here, it is possible voting was skewed by a bunch of corporate shills trying to further the advance of this genre of eating experience. After all, the sheer design of corporate eateries can’t compete with the flavor cooked up by someone who honestly knows how to prepare good food without using a microwave or sauces out of a can. The Times Union suggests a different theory: area residents are getting a bit more frugal with their eating habits and going to places where they can get the cheapest meals.

Yet it’s more likely Capital Region diners are finally starting to forget the taste of a good meal. They no longer recall how good meal can leave the diner with a truly satiated appetite and an uplifted feeling, rather than the bloated, curl-in-a-ball-and-die feeling many of chain eateries promote. It’s a sad commentary on American eating habits that is going to get even sadder when the dynamics of food distribution means these chain restaurants can no longer offer cheap meals. Hopefully by then, there will still be a few mom-and-pop joints keeping alive the savory culinary traditions of the old country.