Tuna Fishing

They think we’re stupid. That’s the only explanation for the rumored candidates the city’s Democratic Committee is putting forward. Some of the more ardent critics might take this a step further and say ‘they think we’re fucking stupid,’ but why go overboard?

Party insiders are whispering the name Valerie Keehn as the Dems’ choice to face incumbent Republican Scott Johnson for the mayor’s seat. The former mayor interviewed with the committee and could be named as the challenger any day, according to sources.

The reasoning behind running the woman often considered the worst mayor the city had seen in decades is simple: The so-called McTygue faction was beaten out of the party in September, ushering in a new era of rule by the so-called Democrats For Change, a group hopelessly beholden to the politics of diehard Keehn ally Shawn Thompson.

The discordant members who pulled for Johnson as a vote against Keehn now have the impossible choice. Either they can vote for a Republican that has presided over one of the worst fiscal disasters the city has witnessed in modern times; or they can come back to Keehn Kountry, the mayoral administration that came precariously close to doubling the ongoing fiscal woes.

Chances are a number of voters will decide to stay home, rather than vote for either of these milquetoast candidates. Then it’s a toss up to see which candidate can get people to the polls. In this case, the advantage would likely swing toward Keehn, whose somewhat rabid followers have proven that can turn out in droves.

Adding insult to injury are the other ‘races.’ Rather than find a decent candidate for the Public Safety commissioner’s seat, the Republicans rolled out ol’ Richard Wirth, the guy who was beat like a gong by a stammering, yammering dolt that has only remained in office by being a union shill. In the Public Works race, it doesn’t sound like the Dems will challenge GOP incumbent Skip Scirocco, another guy who likes to nuzzle up with the union bosses. And why would they? He was the torpedo Keehn used to sink the unsinkable political juggernaut of Tom McTygue and has been a strident ally of the aforementioned dolt.

In the Accounts Commissioner race, it appears as though the Change-o-crats will hold onto John Franck, who was formerly on the outs with the party as a McTygue sympathizer. But they need to keep Franck on the ballot as a concession to the moderates of the party. Otherwise they might question why the party is waging a primary against one Democratic candidate, while not producing a challenger to the Republicans in another council race.

The end result is that only one newcomer is running for office. Democrat Peter Martin will challenge Finance Commissioner Ken Ivins, bringing the only new face into the fold. All other races will be challenged by former party picks or unchallenged altogether.

Egad. Now that’s democracy American-style!

But sometimes it takes a stroll through the darkest of shadows to see the shining beacon of light. And in city politics, that light could be emanating from a palatial home built on the banks of Lake Lonely.

Today, iSaratoga has sent a correspondence to Jimmy Sexton, the agent for Miami Dolphins’ Executive Vice President Bill Parcells, inquiring whether the Super Bowl winning coach might be interested in a run for the mayor’s office. That’s right, the Big Tuna as mayor of the Spa City. He’s a part-time city resident. He’s a consummate leader. Heck, he’s even got a bad-ass nickname. Who better to lead Saratoga through the new century?

Now some might say a ranking executive for one of the NFL’s most prestigious franchises would be hard pressed to find even a passing interest in local politics. But consider this: Parcells is living under the shadow of Dolphins’ legend Don Shula, who ESPN even ranked as a better all-time coach than the Tuna. That can’t sit well. Then consider the fact that Shula also just opened a restaurant downtown, which in no uncertain terms is Tuna territory. He was here first, and by wining the mayor’s seat, Parcells can put Shula in his place once and for all.

So get the word out. The Tuna’s coming to a ballot near you. Thinking positively about his candidacy is really the only way to go at this point, especially considering the alternatives. And if he’s not interested in a run, perhaps Saratogians could show their celebrity resident a bit of good will by penning his name in as a write-in. But let’s first see where he stands as a bona fide candidate to challenge the dregs of the political barrel the major parties are trying to proffer as competent leaders.