Saratoga Nights

Heat waves rise off the asphalt baking in the Saturday afternoon sun. The buzz-saw sound of enough horsepower to fill the backstretch twice over revs in anticipation of the checkered flag clutched in Mary Lou Whitney’s wrinkled hand. Coors is flowing like the swollen Hudson in spring and the swell of carbon monoxide is enough to get even the most beer-gutted redneck high enough to cheer on the Spa City’s acclaimed debutant.

Whitney clears her throat and then taps her microphone to garner attention from the sell-out crowd of nearly 100,000 NASCAR fanatics waiting for the gear-grinding fender-smashing fun to begin. She manages a few futile words before the deafening sound of an air horn blasts behind her.

“Drop the goddamn flag, you old bag,” sputters a red-shouldered man sporting a semi-stained wife-beater, a half set of teeth and a full-blown Budweiser buzz, shortly before sounding his air horn several more times.

Perhaps in fear –perhaps in horror –Whitney unceremoniously drops the flag and then drops herself, the victim of a massive coronary. The ambulances scream through the paved grounds at the formerly historic Saratoga Race Course, which like the Northway, serves as the state’s largest parking lot for three months out of every year when NASCAR comes to the Spa City.

Just imagine what fun it would be; more tourists, more business, more Budweiser. Yes, it would be a rollicking good time in Saratoga Springs, were state officials to simply do what they do best, which is nothing at all. Once the city can dispatch of this meddlesome Sport of Kings, it will be free to bring in the Sport of the King of Beers. That’s when the real good times roll, pun intended.

Before the asphalt trucks start pulling up to Union Avenue, it should be noted that NASCAR or any other form of motorized racing will never come to the Spa City. Not at least during this millennium. But that didn’t stop the Post-Star –or rather a half-baked speculator they interviewed –from suggesting such a thing could be possible if New York thoroughbred racing is shut down after the New Year.

Trot through any collection of local headlines these days and you’ll get the distinct impression the sky is falling around the Saratoga Race Course and the Spa City itself. All month, local politicians have been quite vocal about the “what if’s” that could befall the city if the racing meet is cancelled.

Of course, this is about as likely as NASCAR coming to a location in the “green belt” off Northway Exit 14 or any bevy of other fantastic ideas that could be proffered as alternatives to horseracing. While we’re at it, maybe they could reopen Canfield Casino for ESPN’s Texas Hold’em tournaments. Or perhaps legalize prostitution on Caroline Street; then maybe the former Madame Jumel’s could hold down a business for more than a year.

They’re all good ideas for someone who could say “NASCAR might fit in Saratoga” with a straight face. Strangely enough, the fellow mentioning such a scenario is none other than budgetary gadfly John Kraus, who was supposed to be the fiscal voice of reason on the capital committee that proposed a $17 million public safety castle.

“There are drawbacks, but don't let them be a show-stopper,” said Kraus in the Post-Star article, which reads more like something posted on the Onion. “Find a way for it to work and get’er done.”

What is even more frightening is that the Post-Star ran with Kraus’ half-baked idea. At the risk of running bad or incomplete journalism, the reporter even took a moment to call up a NASCAR official, who confirmed the organization is searching for a metropolitan location near New York City –only “one NASCAR hour away.”

Yes, the debacle with the state’s thoroughbred racing franchise is serious. But there’s nothing to suggest for even a moment the state will shut racing down altogether. What is transpiring is the same bogus tug-of-war between Hollywood Joe Bruno and Eliot “the Steamroller” Spitzer. They’ll continue growling at each other until zero hour, when an agreement will be hammered out.

Until then, get ready for more political maneuvering and more windbagging. Yes folks, there is a lot of warm air blustering in from Albany and swirling around the already hot air offered up by the city’s local politicians. On a side note, perhaps that’s why scientists are now saying the polar icecap could melt entirely within five years.

But ask any Albany insider and they’ll tell you the track will not close; not this year, not next year, not any year. There’s too much money to be made from keeping the greenbacks flowing into and out of the Saratoga Race Course. And when the city itself is the crown jewel of upstate’s cities, there isn’t a politician foolish enough to risk tarnishing it’s luster.